Kommentaarid on head:
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Tõnu

Natuke twisted huumorit

Reasons Why Sheep Are Better Than Women


Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
Nuttin' beats mutton.
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
Sheep never ask about your former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up the second time.
Sheep never insist on eating out.
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
Sheep don't get moody once a month.
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay.
A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.
A sheep will never sue you for alimony.
A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.
A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.
Sheep never have a headache.
A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.
Sheep grow their own fur coats.
A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.
Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
Sheep are "ram tough".
A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth.
Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.
Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.
A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.
A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.
You can't tell when a sheep is over weight.
Sheep don't hog the bathroom for hours on end every morning.
Sheep won't drag you to a chick flick.
Sheep aren't feminists.
Sheep don't get offended when you drag 'em out with shears and shave 'em down.
A Sheep doesn't try to get you jealous by flirting in front of you with your friends.
Sheep don't drive automobiles... let alone drive ANYTHING.
A Sheep won't bitch when you are doing things with the guys.
Sheep have no need for 372 pairs of shoes.
Sheep don't get pissed when you're playing video games
Sheep don't complain about thongs or any type of lingerie
Sheep don't mind the taste of whipped cream.
Sheep won't kick you out of your own bed - well, they MIGHT but they won't do it verbally.
Sheep never complain if your laundry needs doing... badly.
Sheep could care less about fashion sense.
Sheep don't hate football season.
A Sheep won't encourage you to get into fights.
You can feed a sheep to a crocodile and when you're done you won't get thrown in prison for it.
Warm on BOTH sides.
Sheep make wool.
Sheep don't ask "What have you done for me lately?"
You can be a sheep farmer... aka Polygamy.
You can sell a sheep when you're tired of it.
With a sheep, you don't have to buy it dinner first and it can be your dinner *after*.
Sheep make the same noise all the time.
You don't have to hide your credit cards around sheep.
Sheep don't run away.
Sheep are always on all fours.
No one's ever heard a sheep say "Men are scum".
Sheep don't expect an orgasm.
A Sheep doesn't mind if you are done in two minutes or if you go to sleep afterwards.
Sheep don't have a father with a shotgun.
You can practice unsafe sex with sheep and not worry about pregnancy.
Sheep don't drag you to work parties or any other stupid parties.
Sheep will let you sleep in 'til noon.
Sheep don't drag you to 'family gatherings'.
Sheep don't expect you to marry them.
You don't have to buy expensive jewelry for sheep.
A sheep doesn't care if you ever meet its parents.
A sheep won't constantly nag you about what you're thinking.
A Sheep doesn't fill in your planner with sissy romantic stuff - like "Remember Valentine's Day"
Sheep could care less about chocolate or what it does to their thighs.
Sheep don't know the difference between a 1 karat and a 2 karat diamond.
Sheep don't want to monopolize all your time.
A Sheep has never had a hard time picking out a new shirt, a wedding gift or even a bathing suit.
Sheep "Baa" instead of Bitch"
A sheep won't drink your beer.
Sex with a sheep under 18 is not considered statutory rape.
You don't have to worry about mom approving of your sheep, you know she doesn't.
You can legally kill a sheep.
A sheep won't smoke your weed, through they might eat it.
There's no such thing as an ugly sheep.
Sheep won't tell you to mow the lawn - they mow it for you.
Sheep orgies are easy to arrange.
Three words: "Sheep don't tell."
A sheep won't yell out another man's name during sex.
A sheep has never asked "Do you love me?"
You can legally own a sheep.
Receiving oral sex from a sheep is as simple as buying a jar of peanut butter.
Velcro Mittens don't work on women.
Sheep don't care if you are late.
It doesn't take buying a lot of expensive drinks at the bar to take advantage of a sheep.
You won't get AIDS from a sheep, though Syphilis can be a problem.
Sheep are not anorexic.
Sheep don't mind hearing about how great an ex-girlfriend was at oral sex.
Sheep don't care whether you hate their parents.
Sheep don't care if you screw their parents, siblings, cousins or any other blood relative.
Sheep don't press charges.
Sheep don't make up a "Honey-Do" list for Football Saturday/Sunday.
Sheep don't have alcoholic mothers who make passes at you.
Sheep can't e-mail.
Carrots - not Karats.
Sheep don't know how to call you on the telephone.
Sheep don't like boy bands.

Selline asi jäi siis HV-s silma.
Suvi on ametlikult käes. Linnuke lõõrib põõsal, konnad kullendavad tiigimudas ja iga nurgatagune pakub midagi põnevat mida avastada.

Näietks olin mina eile juhuse tahtel tunnistajaks ühele looduse suurimale vaatemängule. Ei see polnud Eyjafjallajökulli vulkaanipurse või pikakarvalise vööthüaani paaritumisrituaal, vaid hoopis ainulaadne vaatepilt kuidas üks naine teisele naisele ühes kaubanduskeskuse parklas autot müüs.

Automüüja nimi oli Kätu ja ta kutsus seda hellitavalt Lõrriks, kuna see pidavat mõnusat häält tegema. Selle kinnituseks tuuritas ta veidi mootoriga… nooo ei tea, pole mul küll muusikalist haridust ega absoluutset kuulmist, kuid mingit Lõrri see küll ei meenutanud, lõrinast oli asi ikka väga kaugel… mootor turtsus ja aevastas nagu nohus orav, siis läksid aga pöörded järsku kõrgeks ja mootor hakkas detoneerima… ma igaks juhuks varjusin prügikasti taha, et kui krempel ribadeks lendab, siis on vähemalt mingigi shanss ellu jääda.

Masin paukus ja mürtsus ikka edasi ning sumpast viskas musta suitsu vaheldumisi valgega. Nagu sellest veel vähe oleks, siis hakkas lisaks ka kesklukk üürgama ja tuled vilkuma. Mul tuli meelde Megadethi kontsert 1996 aasta Roskilde muusikafestivalil. Hakkasingi prügikasti taga näppu viskama ja tühjade banaanikastidega mosh’ima.

Üle üürgava mootori karjus ostja Reet, et miks too nii lärmab, ega sellel autol ometi midagi viga pole… ?

Kätu karjus vastu, et “ei ole midagi viga… ta ongi meil siuke kergelt ärrituv ja agressiivne… tõeline Lõrr… ju on solvunud, et emme ta maha müüa tahab”.

Ostja heldis seepeale, et “oo nii nunnu… Lõrru on emmu peale pahhu, et see tahab teda uuele tätule müüa… ” , “ära ollu pahhu, uus tätu on hea tätu, ostab sulle bensiinut ja roosa pehmu roolikatte”.

Lõpuks Lõrr väsiski mossitamast, tegi viimase paugu, lasi tihendi vahelt sirtsaka asfaldile ja jäi lõpuks seisma.

Müüja hõõrus oma prilliklaasid tahmast puhtaks ja pakkus köhivale ostjale, et vaatame kapoti alla ka. Ostja vastas, et mootor ju töötas, mis sinna ikka enam vaadata, seal pole midagi huvitavat, vaatame parem Lõrri peeglid ja istmekatted üle.

Müüja nõudis, et vaatame ikka kapoti alla ka, siis on aus kaup. Siis ei saanud nad kumbki kapotti lahti. Tükk aega torkisid küüneviili ja kääridega kapoti ääre all nagu murdvargad seifi kallal filmis Thomas Crowni afäär. Lõpuks siiski õnnestus neil see kuidagi lahti saada. Müüja näitas enesekindalt, et siia käib klaasipesuvedelik ja siia see… no see teine vedelik… ja siia… siia käib vist tagumise akna pesuvedelik.

Igatahes kaugelt oli juba näha, et tegelikkuses oli asi kõik vastupidi. Ostja rõõmustas, et nii hea auto, klaasipesuvedeliku paak on täitsa täis, üks mure jälle vähem.

Siis asusid nad autot üle vaatama. Peeglid olid ostja rõõmuks piisavalt suured, et saab ka õhtumeiki teha. Siis kiigati auto sisse. Ostja nentis, et need istmekatted küll ei sobi ning kui ta peaks auto ostma, siis ta vahetab need beežid kohe välja ja paneb sametised punased asemele, mis sobivad Tai Chi Shung Lao kristall-aura põhimõtetega… ja ta uute punaste teksadega.

Müüja Kätu natuke solvus selle peale ja ütles, et tema on Baltikas kolm aastat sekretärina töötanud ja teab stilistikast nii mõndagi! Asi läks päris teravaks, kuid nad suutsid mõlemad maha rahuneda, kui ostja Reet kiitis, et autos on hea lõhn. Müüja leebus ja ütles, et see on uus metsmaasika-mango õhuvärskendi.

Ostja jätkas siis asjatundlikult, et kui palju läbisõit autol on? Müüja teatas, et seda peaks saama vaadata kusagilt sealt armatuurilt. Ronisid siis mõlemad peadpidi rooli vahele seda vaatama ja näppisid seal midagi. Üks kiljatas ja ütles, et “oi läbisõit läks nulli”. Teine vastas, et pole hullu, ta nägi, et see oli 342 olnud ja see on OK. Issand, nii hea auto, nii vähe sõitnud.

Roosteplekid ei pidanud ka probeem olema, kuna ostjal pidavat kodus just samat värvi küünelakki olema. Siis läkski jutt küünelakkidele. Müüja Kätu pidi Lumene kosmeetikaga tegelema. Kosmeetikalt läks jutt sujuvalt üle mingitele seemnetele või idudele, millest saab teed teha ja see aitab kaalu langetada. Lisaks tuli välja, et neil on ühine tuttav Kristi, kes pidi õudne uss olema. Näiteks kui on sõbrannadega väljas istumine ja kamba peale tellitakse suupistevaagen, siis Kristi pidi kõik juustud endale ahnitsema ning singid salaja kotti laduma.

Tahtsin käratada, et kuulge camoon, sitta sest Kristist ja idudest, tehke oma tehing lõpuni, ma saan siis jeehat tõmmata.

Ja siis oligi aeg tehing ära vormistada. Naised istusid autosse ja kaapisid paberid välja. Korraga küsib Kristi, et “KUULE, KUS ROOL ON!!!???…

Kätu läks ka paanikasse ja nuuksus, et “vist sel ajal kui me küünelakist rääkisime, on rool ära varastatud… keegi on rooli ära varastanud… JA PEDAALID KA!!!

Juba tahtsid nad politseisse helistada aga siis sai neile selgeks, et nad istuvad tagaistmel ja rool koos muu atribuutikaga on ees.

Paberid allkirjastatud, helistas Kristi oma mehele, “Priit, too raha… ma tahan seda autot… mis auto, mis auto… ameerika auto on, Chevrolet Lacetti… ja ja… muidugi vaatasin üle, jumala korralik on, lisaks saan väga soodsalt kosmeetikat müüja käest edaspidi… aga tule kähku, Kätu peab poole kuueks sheipingusse jõudma!”.

vello42 või 24 või kes see staar-humorist ongi meil siinmaal.

Misasi HV on?

HinnaVaatlus .. HV foorum

http://www.osta.ee/htc-legend-telefon-a ... 30318.html
Telefon ajast, kus hambaid tehti puust

Igakord kui Hydrationi kohta midagi öeldakse, siis itsitada nagu väike tüdruk?
See, et Sind selle venna elu nii väga huvitab, vot see on huumor.
P.S. ei tunne hydrationit ja ei kaitse teda, vahel mõtlen isegi, et mis s*tta ta suust välja ajab, aga nii lapsik ei maksa ju ka olla. "Lisa vaenlaseks" nupust piisab, või mis?

EDIT: et edasist OT'd vältida, siis kirjuta oma ving mulle PSi

Kui keegi arvab, et mingist tiinekate jutukast väljarebitud suvalised katkendid on hullult naljakad, siis eksib rängalt, moded võiks selle jama ära kustutada.

Nalja kah.
70-aastane mees läheb arsti juurde ja ütleb, et ta tahaks hakata spermapangas doonoriks. Arst vaatab küll, et veidi vana võitu, aga kui jõudu on - miks mitte. Annab vanamehele klaaspurgi:
- "Too siia sisse homseks proov, siis vaatame."
Järgmisel päeval tuleb vanamees arsti juurde tagasi ja paneb purgi laua peale, aga purk on täpselt samasugune puhas ja tühi nagu eelmisel päeval saaduna.
- "Mis juhtus?" küsib arst.
- "No läksin siis eile selle purgiga koju ja tahtsin proovida. Kõigepealt proovisin parema käega - ei midagi, siis vasaku käega - ikka ei midagi. Kutsusin naise appi. Tema proovis vasaku käega, siis parema käega - ei saa. Proovis siis suuga, algul proteesidega, pärast ilma proteesideta - võimatu! Kutsusime siis naabri naise appi. Naabrinaine proovis vasaku käega, parema käega ja suuga - ei midagi!"
- "Kutsusite naabrinaise appi?!" räuskab arst.
- "Jah, aga seda neetud purki ikka lahti ei saanud!"

Tõnu

See tiinekahuumor oli seekord parem kui sinu nali, Manta, niiet las ta olla.

Huumor on maitse asi ja kui tahate vaielda siis tehke seda PS teel.

Need lisatuled..

Kõlarid on ka valel pool ust...
Nädal tagasi kulges see Sõpruse pst-l mu ees. Ma ei tea mis tunne juhil võis olla, aga mul oli isegi tema taga sõites piinlik. Võtsin hoo maha ja lasin mõned autod meie vahele...


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